Losers Say, “I Need You”
My wife and I had a fight on Valentine’s Day.
Some people went out to a fancy dinner or a show. I’m sure some took romantic strolls in the soft moonlight. Others watched their favorite romantic comedy, laughing and crying with their Valentines, Ben & Jerry. Not me and Katy. We had to be different – so we fought.
At first, it was a normal argument. She said something that hurt my feelings, and then I said something that shut her down. Typical for us. But, the roller coaster that followed made Apollo’s Chariot look like a dinner cruise. We uncovered a decade-old emotional wound that shaped a brutal narrative for my wife. The story said that her pain doesn’t matter to me or anyone else. Even though I was devastated to hear about my role in crafting that narrative, I knew we had to keep talking. So we did. The conversation hit everything from a nine-year-old careless and insensitive comment I made, to the dishes I didn’t do to the lowest point of our lives to my mental breakdown, somehow back to laundry, and finally back to where we began the evening.
An hour later, finally resolved, we hugged and cried on the couch together.
As we wiped our last tears and blew our noses on the handful of tissues we had left, I remarked to Katy that the longer we’ve been married, the more willing she’s become to reveal her most painful feelings to me, including those about me. “It’s almost like the more we love each other, the prize is more pain,” I said, which isn’t the way I thought love worked. She cheerfully replied, “Well, you’re the only one I feel safe enough to say these things to. You’re the only one I can be this vulnerable with. I need you.”
I need you.
That was my Valentine’s Day card. It was also one of the most poignant things I’ve heard my incredibly insightful wife say.
Saying “I need you” is one of the most vulnerable things someone can say to another person. That three-word sentence admits that you are not enough by yourself. That you don’t have it all together. That you are incomplete.
But it’s more than that. Saying “I need you” is a gamble. It’s a gamble because you’ve specified your solution. You’re not saying that you need somebody. You’re saying I need you. The moment you direct your request to a particular person, you risk them saying, “No, I won’t help you.”
It’s also a gamble because who you say you need says something about you. It shows who and what you value.
The contemporary Western world, however, is sort of schizophrenic on the issue of needing people. On one hand we don’t want to have our value dependent on other’s opinions, which I believe is right and healthy. But on the other hand, we also know how our soul groans for authentic connection. We don’t want to need others, yet we know we need them. Let’s look at needing others in one familiar way and one slightly surprising way.
I Need You…Jesus
I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:12-13 ESV
Do you realize how foolish it is to rely on someone you cannot see?
I’ll never forget spending time with a high school student wrestling with God’s existence. Eventually, the conversation arrived at his trouble with praying. He said, “I don’t know, whenever I pray, I feel like I’m just talking to the air. Which seems dumb.” And honestly, I couldn’t blame him. In most circumstances, it’s true. Asking an invisible person for a sandwich when you are not in a restaurant doesn’t result in a sandwich. If you don’t believe me, try it now and see how many sandwiches you receive. Expecting an invisible person to solve your problems is something only a loser would do.
Self-reliance is a cornerstone of 21st-century Western success. But insisting you need Jesus for comfort, strength, sustenance, power, purpose, or love admits you cannot find these things yourself. To non-believers, this is, at best, quaint and naive and, at worst, delusional self-sabotage. As Hemant Mehta, a prominent atheist author and blogger, wrote in the New York Times
Prayer is nothing but a powerful placebo. We’d all be better off accepting that. [1]
The larger point in his article is that prayer without action is hypocritical and possibly dangerous, which I understand. However, my point in bringing this up is to highlight how foolish it is to need God for people who do not believe in him. Needing God is for “Losers.”
But faithful “Losers” celebrate in our desperate dependence on Jesus. We do not bask in our self-reliance. We take no pride in being the masters of our fate. Rather, we actively surrender our will to someone we trust more but cannot see. We are vulnerable. We are weak. We are “Losers.” But in our loserhood, we proudly proclaim, “Jesus, I need you.” Like an old hymn says:
I need Thee, O I need Thee
Every hour, I need Thee
O bless me now, my Savior
I come to Thee [2]
I Need You…other “Losers”
For the body does not consist of one member but of many… If all were a single member, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, yet one body…The eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you,” nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, which our more presentable parts do not require. 1 Corinthians 12:14–25 ESV
Needing Jesus lies at the heart of Christianity, and you’d have to do some impressive mental gymnastics to get around that. But in a 21st-century Westernized world, needing other people falls a bit lower on the list. I don’t mean most do not recognize the “need” for relationships, although I often find that “need” more closely resembles a “want” for friends. What I mean is seeing other weaker disciples as “indispensable.”
In the context of 1 Corinthians, Paul is discussing the gifts of the Holy Spirit that God pours out on his people. There are gifts of wisdom, knowledge, faith, healing, miracles, prophecy, distinguishing spirits, tongues, and interpretation (1 Cor 8-10). Like in all communities, the ones with the most impressive abilities garnered the greatest respect from its members which assigned greater or lesser value based on ability. The more gifts you had from the Spirit, the more important you were to the church. But Paul takes that attitude and reminds them that “All these are empowered by one and the same Spirit, who apportions to each individual as he wills” (v.11). Their value is not self-determined but rather bestowed by the Spirit.
The point I want to make is that everyone organizes itself into more and less important people based on some kind system. The Church is no different. However, Jesus’ kingdom always subverts the expectation. In his community, the indispensable parts are not the strongest and most impressive people. The Holy Spirit can give power and take it from anyone he chooses. But everyone, everyone, including the least “gifted” among them is honorable. In fact, those without special gifts, must be given special honor.
I love my close friends. They are delicious sweet tea on a sweltering Southern summer day. I need them. But most of the time, I “need” them because they are incredible people. They are fun, godly, insightful, considerate, inspiring, intelligent, and hilarious people who draw me to them almost effortlessly. I am far less drawn to people with little to offer me.
Those light on charm and heavy on awkward drain and repel me. They take from me, whereas my friends benefit me.
Yet in Jesus’ kingdom, everyone needs everyone – even the biggest “Losers” amongst us. In 1 Cor 12:22, Paul uses the word ἀναγκαῖά/anankaia to describe the “weaker” parts of the body. Typically, Paul uses this in a way that scholars define as “necessary” and “pressing need.”[3] In Titus 3:14, he uses it to describe the urgent needs in the community, most likely referring to someone’s material needs, like if someone was starving death or would lose their home. What does Paul consider a necessary, urgent need for the body of Christ? The weaker members. The Losers. In fact the “Losers” must receive special honor (v.23).
What is that honor? You saying “I need you” to people who may have never heard that before. The honor is making people no one else needs indispensable to you. It’s giving ticker tape parades to outcasts instead of the champions.
What does that mean?
It means that while you may “need” to talk to your best friend every week to stay sane or “need” that poker night with the boys, according to the Bible, we need the people we consider “Losers” as much if not more. Personally, it means that my life is not complete without being relationally close to people that offer me no social advancement or personal fullfillment. Or more simply put, I need people who bug me. I need people who are awkward. I need people that everyone else calls a loser.
Why? Because that’s what Jesus did. Paul Jesus breaks the cycle of classism, racism, ageism, sexism, and all the isms by saying that those without honor receive special honor in his kingdom. He overturns the cool kids table in the church and says it’s the “Losers” who get the special treatment.
I hang my head when I think about how I can move my schedule around to spend time with those I deem worthy or enjoyable, but rush to shuffle those who are harder for me to love.
I believe we all must reconsider who we need and why we need them. Think about who you need and who you need to need. “Losers” need other “Losers.”
Notes
[1] Mehta, Hemant. “Should Atheists Pray?” The New York Times. Accessed February 26, 2024. https://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2013/06/27/should-atheists-pray/prayer-is-useless-and-has-a-downside.
[2] Hawkins, Annie, and Robert Lowry. 1872. I Need Thee Every Hour.
[3] William Arndt et al., A Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament and Other Early Christian Literature (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 2000), 60. See Titus 3:14, 2 Cor 9:5, and Phil 2:25.
